Leaving the hospital after Sadie was born was hard…really hard. More than that it was surreal. It had all happened so fast and I couldn’t really get a grip that she was here and I was a new mother. I was expecting Sadie to come late. Her original due date was October 10 and I expected her to come on October 18. She was born two days early. So my nesting wasn’t quite complete and I wasn’t all that ready to not be pregnant anymore. I loved being pregnant. I wasn’t one of those woman that complained of the pains and not being able to sleep. I loved feeling all of her movements and I felt secure knowing she was safe in there.
But all of a sudden, it was time to leave the safety of the hospital and become a real mom. It was too much. So I cried. I cried a lot. I cried as I packed up my belongings, I cried as we changed her out of the hospital clothes into her going home clothes, and I cried as Reid carried her in her car seat out to the car. I was a mess.
The real problem was that to me leaving the hospital was synonymous with her turning eighteen, going to college and getting married. I figured if this all happened so fast then her growing up was going to happen so fast. And I loved my little baby. I had never felt anything so powerful before and it really frightened me. To look at something so pure and innocent and know I was responsible for teaching and guiding her? Yikes. She had just come from being with her Heavenly Father and I brought her into this scary world, how could I protect her? How could I make sure she would be able to get back there? It was all too much.
It doesn’t help that everyone tells me to enjoy the newborn phase because it goes by so fast. I don’t want it to go by so fast. She is beautiful and I love her being so little. So I have made sure to enjoy every little newborn moment with Sadie. When I change her diaper I kiss every one of her newborn toes. During our night feedings after I have nursed her and she has fallen back to sleep in my arms I take that extra time to stare at her, kiss her and cuddle her. Because someday when she does turn eighteen and I’m dropping her off at college, I want to remember that I took the time to admire and adore her as my little baby. I have the rest of my life to sleep. For now all I want is my newborn cuddles.
That's sweet Hilarye! I still feel the same way about Emmett - that I don't want him to get any older than he is. I work from home and in the office here and there and I have quite a few regrets about that. I didn't have the extra time to stare at Emmett or to enjoy rocking him because I had to work while he was sleeping. It was really stressful. We've wanted to come by and see Sadie but we've been sick a lot and this just probably isn't the season for visits. Someday we'll see her - can't get her sick!
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